Belief it or Not?

I’ve come to see over the past few years that life and as its put religion is not as it always seems and i’ve been trying to research for myself the truths. I know of what i’ve read, and heard but thats not the same as self discovery.

I’ve realised how much belief in something/someone can influence an outcome and many of the emotions related to it. From Many believing in a healing of a person – Even me (a few years ago my knee clicked out and X-rays showed something torn inside – I could not walk…

People in my youth group prayed with me believing it could help and when I went back the next day to hospital able to walk they re-checked new X-rays to show nothing wrong just a little brusing) so I know from my own sight it works and that in itself re-inforces my faith and belief in it.

I’ve seen when many are focused and placing their belief on something be it in a ritual, worship, prayer, or even faith in a sports team that things happen – people are motivated and a type of euphoria is felt by so many.

It just gets me thinking at what people are really able to do if they put their mind to it and believe in themselves, each other and trust oneanother.

I seem to fill my life with un-needed stuff, be it TV, Computer games, possessions or money – To be working all the time to the point where I don’t know what I should be doing when not working. How do I relax, stop – what do I do?

I worry about a lot of stuff all the time, I don’t know what to do so instead I hide behind the comforts and distractions of home but at the end of the day I know i’ve not acheived anything and still in the place where I don’t know where to go. I guess friends would help me – if they really knew or understood but first I need to know what to say and whom I can trust with it.

I don’t really know if I could do this: Give it all up – sell it off and pay off the debts – be it loans, overdrafts, credit cards or take a chunk of the mortgage or even give up the house and follow my heart and see where it takes me.

Controlled or taken control?

I woke up living in my first home, I Got ready to go and was running very late. I went outside to get in the car to discover a big problem.

The car was in bits – the engine and most of the mechanics were gone. I was angry – Mine, my dads and a few other cars in the street had all been attacked. The guy over the road came out his house and said “Yeah – It was the middle of the night but I didn’t want to get involved so just went back to bed” and left. I was annoyed with him.

Life continued…

Another day, a loud noise was heard from outside while at home – they were back. I went out to try and get things back more than the car [the car was insured] and stuff was taken that couldn’t be replaced.

They said they were an environmental activist group stopping people using their cars to tracel. I argued the idea with them of instead of one car going from 1 to 2, ot 3 to 4 – the one car had to now go from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 – making more use of fuel. Dad seemed to laugh through the window and left me to it.

I think they heard the police coming as the jumped into a can and started to speed off.

I wanted to know who they were so grabbed a handle of the van and jumped up, the door swung open with me and another hanging on and driving continued up the bank.

we got high up the bank where I let go, myself and others were now running up the next road to the top. At the top – one person pushed me aside towards traffic and for a couple of seconds I realised I was in a dream and could fly and speeded up to them returing to the dream world.

We were talking, after a while one of the girls decided they wern’t going to loose me and took me to where they were meeting. On the way they took a powder of what looked like herbs and threw then in the air, giving me some and encouraging me to join in to help clear the way and allow passage.

After the herbs, there seemed to be a kind of freedom, Joy, peace and respect that made me want to know more. We got to the place and the guy I argued with earlier was there – He was not happy to see me and stormed off down some steps.

The building we were in had a bright sign on the front side with the words “Gil-Moré” in the style of a motel sign or from the film Empire Records. The sign was a glowing red.

I followed the others into another room and sat on a bed. I handed back the herbs I had which had seemed to multiply and we started to talk and…

<Everything stopped> – I was awoken by a phone call and wrote down all I remembered.

Maybe I’ll continue the dream again another time.


I feel as though there is no purpose, we are here but don’t seem to do much. I have friends but never seem to get to see them or spend any real time with them. MSN can only go so far. I want someone to love, and a family to grow with me and it sucks cos I’m so terrified to show who I am that nothing gets done. I got hurt a few years back and I don’t think I ever recovered.

So I am alone, here 🙂 in this world, waiting for things to happen. I join in on different things and just seem to injure myself instead. I never seem to do what is right and no-matter how things are I feel its just wrong.

The world around me, friends, family and even co-workers getting on in a world where I am but am not at the same time. I exist, but as a believer should not be involved in things that they do or think I don’t understand because of what I believe.. I feel an outcast even with friends for some of the ideas I have about the world and how the spirit world also works.

On one site I have over 150 apparent friends on there and most of them I can say are friends, or at least associates – some of my best friends are not on there yet – I say best, probably better put as closest I think… but even with 100+ friends I feel just here… a leaf floating down a river – many of us there but still all alone flowing through life.

We seem to play within the space We’ve been alocated and float with the groups that were involved with but can’t seem to grip onto what we want and don’t know how to change it but want to at the same time.