I think I’ll get a bike – As many know I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in life over the last year and trying to figure things out a bit – I’m nowhere near the end of that path but would like to know where else I can go.

I remember back a few years, going out with friends in countryside and when my hayfever wasn’t so bad it was glorious all the nature around us – I really loved those days. Running through random places through the grass, and the trees – climbing, and tumbling down hills and just being happy with everything around us.

I like the idea of a bike, it will get me fitter, and give me a freedom that doesn’t involve the car. Its all great having a car, but its expensive to run and thats something I want to cut down on but I don’t want to stop meeting up with people so cycling could be an answer.

I’ve been looking at various memberships of groups like National Trust, Youth Hostals for cheap but great events that will brighten life up. I think it work out round £70 per year for the memberships then you get to and into places a lot cheaper in general or free. But there is always the travel issue and we come back to the bike idea.

I know some other friends have them too but never go out – maybe this will help motivate us to go out together and have fun times and enjoy something thats good for the environment and good for us all.

I question myself as to should I do harvest this year – a question I often ask but have always said yes.

It’s a place outside of the norm where the majority believe in God and great friendships are made. A place I can forget about life for a week and be who I want to be without the world getting in the way.

It’s the time of year for the application form to fill in and return. I want to apply but don’t know if I should. I have so many questions this year about what is real and what have I been conditioned to believe that I don’t know if I could be a useful exaple to the others there.

Sure i’d get something out of it – like the friendships and the energies (feelings) would be great but its all self gain and it shouldn’t be like that.

This year its all change for harvest – different dates, new location – maybe it’s my turn to stop even thour I know so many friends will be there and i’ll get a whole week with them. I don’t know, I hope i;ll have some answers or at least some questions by then.

We’ll see what happens.

Where am I now? what is my purpose? Is there a direction? Follow where? Where am I coming from? What are these ideas that swirl within my existance.

Over the past few months I’ve been trying to understand myself, and what I feel and until now I really didn’t know how to even start putting things into words. I’m not saying I know everything yet but I have a beginning and thats where I’ll start.

I know what I feel, if thats only what I know – I don’t know what it says about me just that its what is behind the happy show I put up front.

I don’t know the point of most things anymore but realise that friendships are one of the most important things of being alive. I am very thankful of the friendships I’ve been given and those of you that read this I hope you realise how much you mean to me 🙂

I question everything now, from the reality we live in to the beliefs that have made me who I am. I don’t know what is real and what I’ve been conditioned into accepting as fact. I have to re-learn it all in a way that I search for answers rather than being told this is the right way.

Over the past few years I’ve looked into different beliefs of friends – some I agree with, some I really do not and some I can see where their coming from but dont know why they do it. Almost everyone of the people I speak too say they don’t know if their belief is the right belief but its what feels right to them – I don’t know anymore.

Back to me… I don’t know where I’m going in life – I look back and see failed times, and some victories and a very long calm – this calm is here and doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere. I’m waiting for some direction or a shove in a direction. I work by a “Show me how” and “Practice – try it out” and see where it takes me.

I plus many of my friends would call me a Christian – Believing that Christ died for my sins those 2000+ years ago, That the father (God), Jesus and Holy spirit are all together as one entity. I’ve always wondered How, but never questioned why and just accepted it as truth althou a feeling of a niggle (something inside not seeming right) was always there.

I don’t know what I believe anymore – But when faced with a posability of the end of life, the hope was there that its all true and for a few seconds nothing said to me could proove it as wrong… Is it that wanting to believe in something that is good when you think the conciquences could be so much worse if you didn’t shape what you believe – I don’t know anymore.

I can honestly say i’ve not always been a great person for going to church, I go semi-regular in like spurts – go a few weeks in a row, don’t go – on and off weeks. I still see friends from these places most weeks and enjoy the company but can’t say that I feel the community that advertised by much of the churches outreach activities but maybe i’m just not seeing something – you tell me.

I think my time is going to be a journey, where it takes me I hope not alone but have to accept it if I am the journey will happen even if I don’t want it too.

Should I just sit back, trust in God that all will be OK and let it go and see what happens.

Something that always confuses me – to sit and trust when we also have to do something.