I have difficulties in my Christian life, I don’t stop believing – often questioning but never stopping – I truelly do believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins and all but I find that the defined church as an organisational building an awkward thing. I find the way that a lot of church services just depress me, or state the obvoius as the preacher tries to speak and teach. I understand but its just not interesting and I find my mind wanders more than it listens.
Where I am at the moment – its a nice church place – great music, enjoyable worship, lots of people, and I know many of them and they know me but only as a name and a face, there doesn’t seem to be anything more. Its quite welcoming and nice, but I often sit alone and no-one comes and says hi… I occasionally go over to the groups of my age range and its as though I’m not there so I go.
I find it strange that so many in “the church” as an organisation state that church is like a family… for me it is not, I love my family and like to spend lots of time with them all – parents, siblings, and pets. My extended family is my friends and I’m thankful for the many I have got.
When younger I only had a very few friends and in set groups, now I seem to have friends in all sorts of areas in all sorts of places in the world and thats not including people i’ve met online. The church has brought me a lot of those friends – we all never really fitted into the groups that were set out and althou we participated in them we always met together aswell. Some of my closest friends were made via church groups and now I count them as extended family.
I have great difficulties in sitting down, and doing the daily readings – I have the booklets that i’ve collected, and friends send me but loose them easily and not sure why. I’ve thought about trying to get an audiobook version – maybe that I can have in the car to listen to while I drive to work but not sure i’d keep that up either. On my own, I have little success at keeping things up, in large groups (church size) I have difficulties too.
I seem to grow the most in my Christian life through friends from past CU and uni, aswell as old church friends talking with them and small meetup groups – be it just for games, chilling out or talking / studying – I find this much more beneficial althou does not give an opertunity to meet new people. I think I learned the most through CU times many years back with the small groups that we used to have.
Past year… Just 10 North east – Amazing to see so many people coming together in pouring rain, and gorgeous sunshine in a giant tent in Preston Park… Followed by many IXth hour events, and Harvest – where I discoved a lot about myself but not at the time – it has only been afterwards looking back I see so much I can not explain and still am sorting through in my mind.
At work today I let something out I didn’t expect or mean to say – I’m not sure what was said but I know my reply “Just because people don’t belive in God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist” – I felt it quite strong to say, and got a few responses. Many of which confirmed suspicians I had but dared not ask while at work. I see there I could do a lot more in my Christian life than I do now… I try the witnessing by actions, but think there is more actions I could be doing to show my God through me.
I seem to section life a lot – I have the Work me, the personal me, the Christian me, the play time me, among lots of other me’s but need to work how to mix them to be just me. I’ve realised when i’ve mixed in the past people have still accepted me as who I am even if to start with they questioned why I was acting one way or another.
I have a good feeling for the new year thats coming, a lot will change – Not sure how, or why but think good things will come out of it. I’m glad I don’t know everything – I think the suprises in life help make it more interesting. Why open that secret santa pressie early – keep it for Christmas. I’m glad I did – I really enjoyed reading what I got.