I woke up today ready to give up for everything at harvest, I felt totally useless and not wanted, maybe from some people ignoring me or other things I’m not sure but I felt like what is the point of me being here
The day progressed, and a friend I’ve not seen since 2003 has joined the stewarding team, he reminded me a little of my past love for harvest with what now seems embarrasing yet fun times but all of which made me smile. Many people have said he seems strange, and sometimes he is but honest and will help as much as possable, something I’ve not seen in a while.
For the past few days I’ve wanted to help out and guide people in stewarding, something I’ve done for many years but could see the errors people were doing. I was back seat stewarding and not giving my all to the team I am now part of.
This year, I’m on the ministry team – there to try and help people and walk through things said and how people understand things and pray if wanted. For the majority of this harvest I’ve felt I’m not “good enough” and not “ready” to help and I’ve struggled with it. I went to the meetings, and stopped helping in general with the stewarding teams leaving them to it and only helping bits like moving chairs as can help.
This morning I was ready to pack up and leave, but felt that I should still go to the main meeting on the night and help out if I could… but generally give it all in and just go home. I felt a struggle between leaving and staying, a tug of war with my thoughts. I went and chatted with friends over some food and let my thoughts known. They listened, but didn’t advise – I didn’t need advice and I think they sensed that.
I let go of the stewarding idea, and concentrated on the ministry team. I found it hard to start with. I sat with a friend in a “sex” talk with the young people. They needed some from the ministry team to be there that was male, so I stuck around. Glad I did – some of the things said really hit home…
Thinking and remembering that God is with you in Everything and every where, can really change what you choose to do with your time. As I recall, praying in a morning also seemed to make me happier and content or joyful for the day so its something I’m planning to continue.
This evening I was in the main meeting listening to what was going on, I was aware as we were told in the ministry team meeting what was planned so I was ready, ready to go down to the front and hand out cards and pray with others…
Things didn’t quite go to plan. During the service I felt a drawing to God I’ve not felt in a long time. Things I’d forgotten could happen and felt joyful and upset at the same time but the words and feeling of “God is with you” came across a lot, although those words were not what was being said. It was another language said, but my mind told me it was “God is with you, and made you: you”
I had an overwhelming drawing to the front, I knew what was due to happen but still wasn’t really ready for it. People stood (as I knew was coming), I was standing ready to go forward and help – I felt drawn to go forward – “but I’m on team, its not for me” I thought, I felt I needed to ask permission to go forward and after what felt like a long time I just went, it was only seconds in reality.
I went to the front, and people prayed with me. I felt a clearing in my mind, that things started to make sense. For a while things have not made sense and I’ve been trying to do things to please others but not quite do what I want. I’ve wanted and struggled with the idea of “Trusting God in Everything” and probably always will, but tonight it makes sense and I can see it happening which feels quite awesome really.
Afterwards, I’ve been feeling quite awesome – very different to how I woke up… I’m looking forward to the morning and continuing whats next. In other news today, we had flood waters come down mid afternoon. Light spitting rain and then drowning waters pouring down.
I’d helped with tents, and went for a cuppa with friends of past and while inside there was a pour down and we thought that was bad… it was quite and calm for a few minutes and just when we thought it was all over the next drowning came.
We tried to seal the tent fast as it was like a river being forced through the door and into the tent. head of site team got soaked just stepping outside then inside again – it was funny but scary too by the shear amount of water. I automatically went to help and close the doors, as been done in the past – we got everything closed and it was over within a few minutes…
A mixture of high winds and heavy rain was quite a shock but reminded me of past harvest events which brought with it a suprised yet great smile and joy.
Nights ended, and looked into the sky to notice the sky is not flat as I’ve always seen it but distant in many ways… its strange and wonderful the change that contact lenses can have. I’m glad I’ve got them even thou it took me 20 minutes to get them to stay in – I’ve just left them in and will probably take them out sunday night if needed. On another note, the moon looks amazing in the sky tonight – almost full it looks. I’ve always loved a full moon look 🙂