I have always been interested in what people believe and why it makes a difference in their lives and some friends were in a group that a Christian wouldn’t usually be involved with. I name it Tea & Biscuits but it came under several other names officially, most recently “Mind, Body & Spirit”. We meet up, drink tea/coffee, eat biscuits and chat about life and what we believe in. I’ve had many good discussions in it, and many arguments too. We also do meditation which is usually a story that you allow your mind to follow and relax too.
I’ve always as far as I can remember believed there to be an energy in everything, some call it nature, I like to believe it as the spirit of God as it is in everything. I wanted to know why people believed things, how and why and although it went almost against everything in Christianity, I wanted to speak to people about God from their stand point, to be able to relate my belief to their own so I started looking at the pagan, and wican roots of belief. I had many friends that believed that point of view and wanted to understand more.
I reguarly attended and still attend the T & B (Tea and Biscuits) group and talk about my beliefs as well as general life. I listened to how they followed their lifestyles and got involved a little. I went to their groups, and they seemed harmless enough to start with. They were just talking, some spoke of spells and rituals they would do. A common one was a circle of protection before they would attempt anything further which made sense in one way, but to know you needed protection for something you were about to do also made quite strong warning signs.
I mixed with people doing some things with energy, and my senses detected that something was wrong, but I couldn’t put a finger or a real description of what was happening more than a feeling inside me to say “no, don’t do this”. I ignored it, and it felt great at the time but very quickly afterwards, I felt quite depressed wanting back that feeling. I didn’t know what to do about it all, I was happy yet something inside me felt broken, an emptyness. I wanted to fix it but had no idea what to do about it and it just kept on going. I prayed about it, but still it didn’t seem to fix it. I ended up talking to people at church about it, and we prayed together and the feeling seemed to pass. I still can remember the pull, it was so easy to get that Good feeling but the downside was so strong, I don’t want to go through that again.
My friends seem to mix with wicca, witch craft, paganism and play with magics or mess with the spirit. A lot of the time it seems safe but I’ve seen the bad side, and really want no-one to go through that. I find it difficult to explain, as to express a feeling is quite difficult sometimes.
The best way I can say about looking at the life within paganism etc was that I was on a giant bungie. I dived strait into it, and at first could feel myself falling into things, I could see the dangers of what I was doing but believed that the only way I could relate was to live through it so I continued down. I would push through the storm clouds as I fell down through it so the point where it was enjoyable. It didn’t seem that bad and the more I did the better I felt, but could feel a battering every so often. I didn’t know what it was and just wanted away from it. I pushed on through to the point where I forgot I was falling, it was just life and then suddenly the rope ran out. I felt a tug, a word of “Enough!” and I looked back. I could see a long rope with a hand holding me there. I was pulled back, I can remember all that I’ve done and can relate a little to those that believe those things but at the same time was aware that I was a Christian, I believed in God and that He was my father in heaven. He was pulling me back to him fast and the comfort came, the calmness and peace that I used to know.
The travels in belief into this world lasted for over a year, and I did keep looking, and my reasoning to keep going was… I want to understand, and be able to relate. At one point, I forgot what my aim was and fell into the lifestyle – it was strange, as I never stopped believing in God but for a while, it felt that I wanted me time, rather than God time.
I will always remember one day in particular where we had met as a group to “practice” a spell of some sort. Someone wanted to connect with the spirit world. They began with a protection circle, and then something felt very wrong. Prior to this, they had tried things but it had never felt this wrong. It felt dangerous and the room was filled with an energy (I could remember the feeling as surrounded by the spirit) but it did not feel right. I spoke out, and said “You must stop, there is something wrong – you are not meant to touch this sort of energy”. It did not stop them from trying, they told me, “Its OK, this is what happens”. I said “No”, and I prayed. I don’t think I’d every prayed so feverently with my heart, I was truelly afraid. They stopped, and asked “WHAT did you do!” as the energy seemed to disappear from the room and they could not restart it. I said, “You should not be touching this energy, and I prayed against what you were doing.” – I believe God was there protecting me. He gave me the awareness of understanding and reading what was wrong there and gave me the option to ask for help of which I took. I got asked a lot of questions about my faith over the next few days. Some people were annoyed with me, but I’d always said from the beginning what I believed in.