Not so great…

This afternoon I’ve not felt too brilliant. I was very tired and felt slugish, no mental or body energy for a while so laid down and went to sleep.

I remember dreaming but it wasn’t nice. Over the past few nights it hasn’t been too nice. There seems to be a negative feeling over them all.

From being hurt in some way and feeing the pains while awakening before realising I’m awake and it passing to the feelings that something was trying to get rid of me. I don’t know why but I don’t like it.

I feel very hot, and can not seem to cool down quickly then suddenly the oposite – really cold unable to warm up. Is it normal? I usually dream nice things, or only seem to remember the nice things anyway. This side I don’t like…

I want to return to my adventures but maybe there is something I need to do – But I need to remember what that something is or to work it out, I hope I work it out soon.

Not truelly here

Some time ago, its hard to think when it all really started I became very stressed and all of a sudden got the feeling that I wasn’t truely really here. I have basically had this feeling ever since, but because it has been so long, I tend to forget about it, but then sometimes I realise that I’ve still got it, which frightens me.

It is very hard to explain, but I feel as though I am detached from people, as though I am living in my head. It is as though I have a veil in front of my eyes that separates me from people. My vision is not affected, but sometimes things feel very dreamy.

I have to really concentrate on things happening before me. It almost feels as though my brain is separate from my body.

Most friends would say I was normal, just like everyone else but in reality I hide myself behind that person so that people don’t see the real me and althou I want people to see and accept me I don’t want to be rejected either.

So when it all gets difficult, and I am ignored I disappear into the dream like world where I can control whats going on while continuing this life… Its like living two simultanious lives at once. I can’t say I’m unhappy in life, just wanting more from it.

Dreamland – Fun yet dangerous with the occasional kickback (pt2/2)

View Part 1 of the dream

The street theater – There was circus like acts going on, people up high on wierd bikes or stilts in bright costumes. There was something everywhere most of the time unless you went out into the fields that just seemed to go on forever. You chose the weather by thinking it and it happened – be it Rain, glorious sunshine, or snow.

We went out in the snow and built snow people, it was snow and we just seemed to have the warm clothes to wear, there was clothes racks all over and you just grabbed what you wanted. It wasn’t cold but just right and it was so easy to make things… everything we wanted just seemed to be lying around. There was snow ball fights getting us all drenched and covered and wandered over to a pond that was frozen over – we went ice skating, and chilled out just having fun.

I recall thinking, “is this all a dream?” and tried to float but couldn’t. Usually if I work out its a dream I can float or fly and continue. The rain was lovely at night, such a relaxing sound it bouncing off the glass windows.

There was play parks big enough for adults with huge slides, and swings that you could get really high on – not recommended to jump from althou we did and recall it hurting but just for a couple of seconds before going back and playing some more. There was climbing frames, and a few zip lines over water and this wierd spongy foam that seemed to take quite an impact and not hurt when you hit it.

Food was awesome, there seemed to be a place for everything – I recall a place that served just loads of different crisps and a dance floor for salsa – it was great. You could watch or join in. I could seem to remember all the moves from classes in my real life inside the dream and actually be able to do them and enjoy it. The food was eat as much or little as you want.

There was trampolines about the size of 4 normal club sized ones put together – you could get really high and catapult yourself all over or mix with friends and play amazing games of seat attack catapulting one another into the air.

It didn’t feel like you were in danger unless you went down the bank through the shopping centre, everywhere else seemed safe and the people around us were happy too. Only at one point when we were heading down past the centre did we need to stop the group and re-direct them – they were heading towards the unpleasent place but they couldn’t seem to feel it – a strange sense I seemed to have.

Days seemed to pass into weeks yet I was only asleep a few hours, I awoke feeling refreshed but suprised I was at home. I have no idea how I got there, or how I returned but look forward to going there again like so many of my past dreams – they somehow reconnect and its like a continuation.

• Coming Soon: Dreams Blog

Dreamland – Fun yet dangerous with the occasional kickback (pt1/2)

There was what seemed to be a town, like a giant themepark – everywhere there was something to do: be it a show or event somewhere, a ride to go on, a stall to play at or a place to eat at aswell as street theater all around me.

Down one road it felt very dark, it went into a shopping centre with all grey closed shutters and down a hill. At the top of the hill there was an open market stall with veg, and fruit and a girl behind the counter serving and looking oddly towards me when I started to head down the hill. I felt uncomfortable and it was as thou you were diving into an unknown danger – I headed back up and into the central area – the whole atmostphere felt better and happier again.

There was a lot of shows on, for almost anything imagined I recall but don’t remember what they were – just remember that everything seemed covered in some way or uncovered in many ways. You had the choice to be an audience member or actually get up and have a go at anything. It was fun, scary, entertaining and rewarding.

There were loads of people around me, they seemed familure but at the same time unknown to me. I made friends with a few of them and we wandered around the place together.

There was an area to design your own rollercoaster and then ride it with friends, so many high sudden turns that surely were unsafe and unlikely to ever happen in the real world. It was something you designed and said you’d like and then come back and ride – kind of like waiting for a picture to be developed.

Time – it wasn’t just a few hours, it was more like around a few weeks or so had passed with the time there – even recall going to sleep and getting up and right back into the action. We often crashed out in different places after a nights entertainment.

One afternoon there was an attack… some people were running around and we originally thought it was a scene from a theater piece to find out suddenly it wasn’t as the people came towards us. They were covered with blood, cuts all over and dragging others down with them.

We ran but some people came after us with knives and we ran fast and got split up. We went up & down steps, over fences/walls and through a maze of buildings.. we looked back they seemed to be gone we kept on going and returned to the centre again to meet up again.

Continues Tommorrow

• Coming Soon: Dreams Blog

A time of Nothingness or Everything

Walking into my room, looking through the darkness and seeing a window. The curtains open and the outside gray. No colour, no light just gray – a nothingness.

Am I dreaming while I look or seeing something that seems like life. A time where so much can happen and yet can not distinguish what I am seeing in the future posabilities.

Is there so many that its all one mesh or so little that things are picked at and the gray is just dust.

Recently I’ve been unwell, lack of energy, headaches, light sensativity aswell as many other things. Its just life – we all get ill. Its annoying – I can see all these things I want to do and can not do them – just writing a list to work through when better.

I see it all but its just a confusing pile of future – so many posabilities. Whats next?