Day 18 – My Beliefs

I became a Christian in 1988 or 1989 – I was about 10 years old, and felt in my heart and soul it was the right thing to do – it just made sense even at 10 years of age. Since then I’ve re-dedicated my life to Christ multiple times.

When in youth sunday school at the tab church I often felt the power of God in my life, often when we went away and life was away from school, and home life – where I could be free to believe and know that those around me didn’t judge me. I would be a lot more faithful then.

In February 1992 I started to go to an event named “Crucible” where a lot of youth groups met together and worshipped God together. There was around 200 people there when I started and the event had to move to different locations as it had around 400 people going each month – always based in the Tees Valley.

In 1994 I went to a youth camp named Harvest – The theme was “Everybody needs somebody” and was using music from the Blues Brothers theme tune. I went with The Tab Youth group.

While at school I discovered that many schools had a Christian union, but mine did not – myself and a group of others tried to set one up and had a small group of students meeting together once a week. It didn’t really work out – we didn’t know what was to happen just that there should be one. So without a real plan we went out and tried. Now they have one thats going well at the school but that many years since.

In 1995 I stopped going to church, I didn’t see the point anymore.. The sermons seemed to be repeated and the information stale. I’d been told I had to go into the main church now and youth church was no longer an option. I found the services tedious and quite boring so stopped going. I continued going to the crucible events each month and Harvest but otherwise church was out.

In 1997 I started University and was determined that I would not let people dis me for my beliefs – I would not make friends for them to throw religion at me..

So I introduced myself with “Hello my name is J… and I am a Christian” – It totally terrified me of the response and was so glad to find the first person I asked replied with.. “Hello my name is T… and so am I” which was a relief. I was later to find that no-one else in the class felt the same way so wow, I think that was a good sign and is still a great friendship.

We joined the Christian union of the University and were members throughout the time of University. At one point for a year I was involved in running part of the group which was an honour.

Uni was a suprise to me at how people seemed to look at people and the world, it was more of an accepting place of “oh, you believe that… thats nice” and not such ridicule for believing in God.

I found friends from all over the country and world that also believed as I did and were supportive and helping althou we were all doing totally different things in life, we are all following the same Christ.

It got me thinking as to why people from different denominations didn’t work together – always confused me – people asked me what my denomination was – I’d say “Christian” and they’d ask which type… I thought “There’s only one” and reply “Christian, Were all in this together”

In 1999 I joined a church named “Riverside” – I went after a friend bugged me continually about going for several weeks from the Christian Union [CU] – the services were quite long but enjoyable. They had a youth church on a friday night – around 20+ went which was nice. We would sing, and worship, games, pray and learn together support whatever any of us were going through.

In 2000, we heard about a mission event that was going to happen in Manchester at summer time – something that hadn’t happened before named “Message 2000” – two weeks of working in the area supporting the people there though running youth/children groups, clearing gardens and decorating homes and speaking to people about God. There was invitation to events on the night where bands would play in the areana and got around 14,000+ people turning up.

We went for week 2 of the project, where we camped out in groups in a park in manchester and worked on different teams in the area. I was working on a kids group team. Over the 2 weeks around 10,000 Christians joined together and helped out.

We also went out in small groups of 2 or 3 and spoke to people about out beliefs. This terrified me and on the first day when I tried to speak no sound came out – I was embarrased, and scared but nothing bad came from it… The next day, we went out again and spoke to people successfully.

Many people didn’t want to know and shrugged us off, but there were a lot of people willing to talk and convesations would go on and it was good. A lot of oposing ideas but people were listening and responding – something I was not expecting and felt blessed for it.

Around 2001 I went and got baptised – this isn’t the same as a Christening, this is showing people that I do believe in Christ and want God in my life – a public demonstration where I had many friends and family attend and see me leave one life and come into another.

I have continued to go to Harvest althou not as a patron any more, since around 2000, I helped with stewarding which helps keep the place running safely. In 2009 I tried a spot on the Ministry team which allowed me to pray with others – not that they couldn’t pray themselves – more as a faciliatator helping when stuck. In 2010 I am not doing stewarding – but intend to help with the ministry team as this is where I feel I am directed now.

In 2006 an event named NE1 was ran where several churches all from the North East of England met up in chester-le-street and spent a week going out helping people in the area. From Clearing gardens, and painting to spending time with people and running childrens groups.

NE1 reminded me of the Message 2000 event but was local to the North East where I am instead of another part of the country.

I helped with stewarding and anything else I could help with there. A fun time, great hot dry weather and wonderful friendships made aswell as seeing so many peoples lives changed through Christ.

In Late 2006 I moved back to the church I started at – The Tab where I attended and could get involved with things. They had a 20s to 30s group that met each week on a friday at Borders on Teesside Park at 7pm ish til closing. A time to chill out and be with other Christians not in a church setting – Not sure its still on since Borders closed but there are many coffee shops around there now.

Over the what been 23 years since becoming a Christian, I’ve fell away from God and the Faith many times but always have came back. If I look at all the times when I’ve been truely happy there has always been A God aspect to it all so that where my focus should be.

I don’t know what to expect from life in the future, or even in the present really but think that its going to be an amazing adventure.

A few bible verses come to mind:

Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

– I had always read that passage and missed the point of future – I’ve always looked at what NOW, and not future but to know that there is going to be a future and I will be looked after – I like that.

Psalm 139:1-3: O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.You discern my going out and my lying down;you are familiar with all my ways.

– To know that God knows everything is amazing and scary at the same time, but to know that someone is in control is a great thing to realise. Especially when they know what you are able to do and give you the power to do it.

In mid 2008, and spread over 10 weeks there has been a local event named Just 10, I’ve wrote about it here but its been a truelly local opertunity to see around 5,000+ people coming together and worship God together.

Lots has happened since then but I’ve not quite worked out how to put it into words that I can share yet, but it will come in time.

I currently (when I go) attend a church in Stockton named The Vine. Its a small church but its where I feel I fit in. I’ve many friends there and discovered that many of the friends I made in different churches over the years before getting here have also settled here too. Services are around 1.5 hours, and the sermon times are closer to 20 minutes. The regular sweet things after such as donuts, and cakes are a bonus and give people a time to chat afterwards.

We have small groups that meet once a month, and more through virtual online groups where we chat on whats been spoken about in church, eat together and support one another through whatever is happening in life. When I’ve not been to the actual church and groups I often get emails asking how I am and how is life which is great but not so many that is seems like pressure. A nice balance.

I don’t think that a belief is something that is static, I think it can grow with time and more understanding comes with it all. Its something you learn about, even when you don’t want too and can shape your life or at least, it has shaped mine.

Euphoria – Friends or God?

I can recall times of being lost within myself but totally happy at the same time. Times in worship at different things including church, harvest, spring harvest and IXth hour where everything just feels right and time – time is something that is there but doesn’t seem to pass – there is just a joy and happyness feeling completely safe and that you don’t want to end. A kind of euphoria that to be is honest and I do miss.

I watch on TV some of the things that happen on the God Channel, a channel I’m not that fond of on tv – I find that a lot of the time it makes what I believe in look silly and not serious. I find what I believe in shapes life – its not just a sunday or an event thing but something that really helps shape me, be it in how I speak, act and relate to people.

How I can encourage others, and look to their gifts in the world and see what they could do with their lives if they choose too. I think people are all amazing… some are annoying but were all made to like and not mix so well with others… but were all in this together… Someone for everyone.

When i was a child, I did not have many good friends – only around 5 in total and still today 20 years on I still have those good friends and now so many many more. Some that are so close and supportive and I feel really blessed for it and see so many posibilities for many of them.

I thought that no-one really liked me, I had difficulty speaking with people and just being myself, always trying to slightly be like others but keep my own flavour too. Always believed that I am who I am, I can try to be “like” others but thats never truelly going to be me.

Over time, I have grown thankfully… I have many friends in many diversities of life, mixing interest from allsorts from trampolining, and dancing to church or just to go out and play pool, swim or ten pin bowling. Some I can talk technical with and know that will inspire me and I them in issues that at first seem difficult and then exciting…. still difficult but knowing that others will support you in them.

I am blessed and thankful to them all. I see it as a very different euphoria with friends… I am really happy when I am with them, and talk, chat online with them. We work well together and well, enjoy it too – a true euphoric time here on this plain of existance.

Spring Harvest – Part 3

And so it starts: We are asked what event would we like to be on… think about it: Kids? Main Venue? Particular seminar? I was thinking out it – this was before teams were set out… then remembered “I am here to help” – I decided not to choose and just went where I was wanted. I asked for things that were not particulary youth related as done that every other stewarding time and would like change but would do whatever.

A typical stewarding day for me:

6:30am Up and shower
7:00am Breakfast
7:30am Team Meeting
9:00am The big start – a half hour welcome to the day [non stewarding]
9:30am to 1pm Venues
1pm til 2pm: Lunch
2pm to 4:45pm: Venues
4:45 to 6pm: Dinner
6:00 to 9pm: Venue
9:30pm to 10:40pm: Venue
10:40pm: Finish or go help with others

We were staying in shared accomodation – chalets, with a full bed and heater in room and washing facilities – Nice hot shower. Not like other harvest in a tent… Very different.

Breakfast was my favorite meal of the day: Grapefruit to start, followed by Bacon, Sausages, Fried Egg, Beans and a few other things I think. Cups of tea and fresh orange juice too.

At lunch it was a roast dinner, and tea was a packed lunch. I can honestly say I didn’t really feel like snacking during the day but think that eating more earlier would be more beneficial and easier to burn off each day – could help get my health back to how it was if not better.

SH – Back to Real Life

I’ve returned back to work, I don’t feel anyone notices anything about me. I don’t think I’m noticed unless fixing something thats gone wrong.

I’m talking more but feel no-one is listening. I just get on and hope that while I try to help – they see something good in me.

It was very easy to drop back into “work” life. Although not sure I just want to fit drop in. It was a tiring day and I had a nap in the evening – don’t think i’ve eaten right as my energy levels were low.

SH – Easter Sunday

New start, New Life, New Beginning

I can do so much more, if I choose too. I feel there is so much more ability that i’ve had in life and I’ve not seen it but looking back I can.

Today has been good, a sleep in past 7am (recently been up 6:30am) so a relaxed start, delicious breakfast & felt ready for the morning, lunch was good & I rested for a bit. One of our sessions were cancelled so we got an hour to chill out.

I’ve been learning about trust – something I have struggled with since a past relationship. I’ve not known how to trust God or other people.

I’ve seen how I’ve already been trusting God without realising it. For example: Coming to spring harvest, from the north east, without anyone else, knowing no-one and trusting people will be friends and everything will work out. It has, and i’m making lots of new friends.

I think the term “Trust in God” is a strange term.. saying “Believing that God will provide for your situation” is more accurate or at least means something to me.

This evening was a challenge – to be interviewed, asked questions in front of 180+ people over microphone – I was nervious with a kinda confidance too.

Whenever I have attempted to speak over a microphone I tend to speak but no sound appears – annoying when you want to speak and kinda embarrasing too.

I managed to talk easily, openly and confidently althou scared to do it. I felt such a buzz & energy on completing.

Maybe its a part of my future – maybe a dream/vision will come true. Part my part looking back I can see that i’m getting somewhere.

I will be able to speak in front of people, teach, present, talk to youth at events & stuff – it could happen, I think I could do well at it and help in some way.

I’m liking this attitude: Try, See and acheive – I’m not looking forward to work again but and looking forward to the future and not entirely knowing actually feels good for a change.

SH – The beginning

Clear Night, stars above – full moon shining down. A peace covering the area with cool breezes. Ducks swimming in the moonlight and running round the grassy edges.

This is a new experience to me, stewarding at Spring harvest. There seems or sounds to be a lot more happening in general than the normal harvest i’m used too.

So far, a lot of stewards seem shy and also have come with other people. I came alone, but having no problems talking with others – it is a lot easier than I recall doing before.

Its the first night and its not tents but chalets with beds and heating – very nice but people don’t seem up for socialising – they all went to bed – most before 11pm… Too early for the first or any night really.

Most teams i’ve been on previously have hung out on the first night, a time to get to know one another before working together.

I can recall times where I went to bed early but not on the first night with a new team. Maybe it will change over time – I think it will be tiring but a good time.

Bed just after midnight – a little tired, headache starting, good idea to sleep.

Spring Harvest – What happened

Over the time I was at spring harvest (SH) I learned a lot. Questions I had wanted asking in life that I’d kind of accepted as never going to be answered so had stopped asking got answered and things started to make sense.

Over the next week, i’ll put up some of my diary entries I wrote while I was there and then some more about what I think I learned.

Overall it was a good time, and made lots of new friends. I’d recommend to people to try spring harvest, and to try stewarding – there is so much that happens in the background that no-one really realises – I know I didn’t last time I went as a delegate.

Am I only one half by being single?

This is what I thought while alone. I’ve felt alone for a long time although I have so many friends to support me i’ve not had another person to share with for a long time.

Over the past week I’ve been at spring harvest over the easter break time and picked up a few things that made sense.. One was about being only part of a person.

I need to be a full person before looking for “the other half” – we should both be full and able to exist easily without one-another: I’m not saying I want to be alone, just that I want us both to always be happy. Missing people is expected – I don’t want to be in the situation where I feel I can not go on by being alone or without someone.

A little story someone told was about a chair… Strange as it sounds it made sense.

You get a chair, and chop it in half. Half is you and half is a partner. Your love, passion etc are the sticky tape between you and add a bit of pressure and you’ll get through it – add a lot and you both break apart.

Then imagine a full chair – you are both full people – ready in life for anything – you come together and work closely together – one on the other making a very strong surface. I’m sure there will be things that get in the way and do put pressure on you but you are much stronger as you are full people.

So before I start looking for another, I am seeing how to be full again – its been a while but I see it now as a posability again.