Not really been to church in a while

I have not really been to church in a while, I still get involved with things but not as much as I used too but its not that I’ve grown out of it, more that I never seem to have enough time to do everything I want too.

Earlier this week I went to a friends wedding, I’ve known her for years – we met at one of the events, harvest in the north east helping with stewarding and onto different events and came good friends. I met a lot of people that were Christians and really did enjoy the discussions and chat that was going on – I’d forgotten how much I enjoy it, and got me thinking to what I used to do.

Back then, and I’m only going back about 10 to 15 years when the internet was “safe” or there was less ignorance of the dangers I used to chat online to pretty much anyone – I’d often go into chat rooms and have discussions, and forums but not something I do anymore – there is usually too much spam being broadcast too but maybe I’ll find somewhere again.

I do plan to go to church, and thats maybe the downfall – its just a plan… something I could do. I really enjoy it when I attend but the thought of do I sleep and enjoy the dream world just that bit longer or get up and go out… choices choices… I know which would benefit me more but choices… I sometimes have difficulty with.

I really got put off going at the start of the year. I had planned to go to church and take a friend while in London. I’d been to the church and when I’d been previously, it had been encouraging, lively and enjoyable… but this time – very different. Throughout about 80% of the service it was all about getting money out of people for things.

I had wished I’d left after the second installment of it, the energy was so overpowering and felt like it was squashing the life and positivity in it all. I thought of leaving, but I’d taken a friend with me and I thought… maybe its just starting up, and some of the songs were fun too but they just went on and on and on about money… I know churches need cash but there is a line between saying so, and constantly going on and on, and re-wording it to repeat it again and requesting more and more offerings from people… I’d wished we’d never gone.

It put me off church stuff, and even though I know my own church isn’t like that – the idea of it put me off… The thought that if it put me off and I was happy to go – how would it affect those that don’t often go – can’t be good

I’ve been involved loads when at Spring Harvest, and already have my name down for next year and loved it then. I can honestly say that when I surroung myself with like minded people – life is often a lot better. Still difficult but at the same time comforting. I get it from both friends of intellect and those of faith.

I’m looking at what makes me happy, and trying to discover if there is a consistant way to do it, or do I keep at life of doing lots of little things… well thats my thought for today.

Day 14 – My Earliest Memory

Strangely my earliest memory is from when I was still around 5 to 6 months old and its not much.

I remembered laid back being carried around and seeing a light switch hanging from the ceiling that I tried to grab.

I ask my parents recently when that was and they told me it was in the first house in Darlington, but I couldn’t remember that as we moved when I was 6 months old.

Other than that, I don’t really know what my first memory was.

Day 5 – A time I thought about ending your own life.

I can honestly say I’ve never felt this. I’ve spoken with lots of friends and they have said that they’ve felt it. I’ve felt down and depressed but never to the point to end it all by death.

I guess I just don’t understand how anyone could think to do so. I’ve been brought up with the belief that suicide is a sin and not to do it but apart from that I see so many people struggling through life while we have so much.

I know things can get on top of us, but you have the ability to restart most things in life again. If money, go bankrupt and slowly re-build. Relationships break and re-build. I think having good friends help you.

Many friends have helped me through tough times in life, but also my beliefs have helped me too. I’ve always known if I have no person to speak to, I can still talk to God about it and He does speak back – not in words but things do seem to sort themselves out.

Not truelly here

Some time ago, its hard to think when it all really started I became very stressed and all of a sudden got the feeling that I wasn’t truely really here. I have basically had this feeling ever since, but because it has been so long, I tend to forget about it, but then sometimes I realise that I’ve still got it, which frightens me.

It is very hard to explain, but I feel as though I am detached from people, as though I am living in my head. It is as though I have a veil in front of my eyes that separates me from people. My vision is not affected, but sometimes things feel very dreamy.

I have to really concentrate on things happening before me. It almost feels as though my brain is separate from my body.

Most friends would say I was normal, just like everyone else but in reality I hide myself behind that person so that people don’t see the real me and althou I want people to see and accept me I don’t want to be rejected either.

So when it all gets difficult, and I am ignored I disappear into the dream like world where I can control whats going on while continuing this life… Its like living two simultanious lives at once. I can’t say I’m unhappy in life, just wanting more from it.

Life Updates

Whats been happening in life, well it seems not much at first glance and the same answer I give to people asking “What have you been up too”. I work, I play, dance and enjoy. But in reality, quite a lot.

I’ve been focusing more on what I can do. How I can expand my knowledge and abilities. In dancing, I’m learning to salsa weekly now aswell as following learning things online using videos and stuff. Video is useful as can rewind and replay, but class is great as can be shown close up what and if I go wrong. All is fun.

On the computer, I am learning Adobe products & doing courses using distance learning. I’ve always wanted to learn photoshop & Flash and now I am slowly. The course will take something like 9 months but found other resources like adobe tv and seminars that adobe do on tuesdays and thursdays.

In other news I’ve had a meeting with business link on how i can adapt to take over the family business and how I can run it all from business management & staffing to finances and marketting.

Aswell as business link, i’ve met with people from the North East Chamber of Commerce (NECC) on how to get funding, do networking & training. Its a lot to take in but I’m getting more excited and interested the more I hear.

At trampolining I’ve started on sumasaults, I can get around and onto my feet in the rig but otherwise I kinda go splatt but its a start. I am also getting the chance to help others in trampolining – my assistant coaching qualification coming to use. Its amazing when people learn something you’ve taught them. Its better than payment in reality.

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