What is stopping me from doing what I want to do and be

What is stopping me from doing what I want to do and be. Before I have blamed expectations, or medical reasons but in reality none of that should really stop me. I’ve always had my family back me in whatever I choose to do even if it seems odd sometimes.

I recall talking with them one time, about myself younger and some of the passions I had. I used to be so enthousiastic about the environment and animal care and try to fight for causes as much as someone could while at school… This usually involved letters that never got quite completed and talking with chat and discussions about what could be done but in some time I lost the passion for things.

I was told they were suprised that I had not joined some organisations like greenpeace with my earlier passion for things. I stopped going for what I really wanted because I thought that I was expected to be something else. For a long time, I have tried to live up to others expectations to realise that some of the time those expectations never existed.

Over the past couple of years, from about the age of 27 (I’m 31 now) I started going for things I wanted to try and do – From trampolining to dance, and the many types of dance. I really enjoy it and slowly I am getting better at it, I’m a slow learner at it but really do enjoy it all the same.

I thought people would be “funny” about me going for it and at first some were… but most, if not at first realised it made me happy and then supported me in it. This year at harvest, I went on the ministry team and not stewarding and althou it was quite difficult it really was nice the support I got from people. I was amazed by those that knew me and those i’d just met on how much support there is out there.

Its taken me a long time to realise that I am the one who makes the difference in life, that if I choose to do something I should go for it whole heartedly because with passion you can’t wait to get started, and don’t want to stop and only stop to rest. There is so much I want to do, and I feel I’ve really waited too long to getting round to it.

I am really glad I started writing these notes online, as its allowed me to see the progression and changes in attitude and read back comments left, and messages received.

I’ve never actually known what I want to do in life, but I do feel that what ever that may be…. Its coming sooner now than ever before and I’m looking forward to it. I can do what I’m doing already effectivly however I want to do something passionitly and joyous at the same time – something to want to get up and started, and to help others as well as new things because of it developing myself and others around me.

Its nice to have some kind of target now, and this time its ALL about ME… and where I want to be and what I want to do.

Harvest – Psycological Re-boot

I went away to harvest this year calm and knowing that this year was just like most years. I steward, chat and chill with people. I seem to meet people more on a personal level now than just those I work with… Think its got to do with the amount of time we’ve worked things together.

I went there trying new things like the ministry team – to try and stretch me.

I also went there open to what God can do in my life. How I can do things differently but also took a back seat to volunteering myself into more things. I did the ministry team when i could but also saw myself as in a settling place – somewhere I fitted in but didn’t too..

So much changed and to talk with others there again also feeling the same change, and they’ve only done it a fraction of the time there. I think Harvest is now a past rather than present thing for me and a few others.

I left harvest feeling some decisions in life were actually happening. I saw people on teams that haven’t worked well before work amazingly well together and support one another when it actually mattered.

I felt a part of the many things that were holding me back just gone. I can’t explain what was holding me back but the weight was not there so much – I felt so much more relaxed and more like me again. A side effect means people see a lot more sarcasm but thats just who I am.

It felt great – a friend said it was like a psycological reset – I had returned to an earlier happier person again and it is good to see me again.