I plus many of my friends would call me a Christian – Believing that Christ died for my sins those 2000+ years ago, That the father (God), Jesus and Holy spirit are all together as one entity. I’ve always wondered How, but never questioned why and just accepted it as truth althou a feeling of a niggle (something inside not seeming right) was always there.

I don’t know what I believe anymore – But when faced with a posability of the end of life, the hope was there that its all true and for a few seconds nothing said to me could proove it as wrong… Is it that wanting to believe in something that is good when you think the conciquences could be so much worse if you didn’t shape what you believe – I don’t know anymore.

I can honestly say i’ve not always been a great person for going to church, I go semi-regular in like spurts – go a few weeks in a row, don’t go – on and off weeks. I still see friends from these places most weeks and enjoy the company but can’t say that I feel the community that advertised by much of the churches outreach activities but maybe i’m just not seeing something – you tell me.

I think my time is going to be a journey, where it takes me I hope not alone but have to accept it if I am the journey will happen even if I don’t want it too.

Should I just sit back, trust in God that all will be OK and let it go and see what happens.

Something that always confuses me – to sit and trust when we also have to do something.

I think that reality is shaped by belief and in what you learn. I believe that everything in some way was created and did not just appear into existance.

I believe we all can make a difference even if to just one person and I believe that if you ho for something the best you can you will in your heart acheive something great.

Is what I see Really there or here, in a splash or spray of water/dust – Is it a creature running by? In the corner of the eye I can see things there sometimes, moving around like a small animal or shadow.

I’m the only one there but feeling as though more is there. As though this is not the only real world but a second one that overlays another one. We only see this one but sometimes the occasional glimpse allows us to see through to the other place and for a moment things are a little clearer.

I could say that our world is like a combination of many layers and dimenstions and not all are seen at any point. Reality is just one place as is Time, Spirit, Soul and substance.

I’ve come to see over the past few years that life and as its put religion is not as it always seems and i’ve been trying to research for myself the truths. I know of what i’ve read, and heard but thats not the same as self discovery.

I’ve realised how much belief in something/someone can influence an outcome and many of the emotions related to it. From Many believing in a healing of a person – Even me (a few years ago my knee clicked out and X-rays showed something torn inside – I could not walk…

People in my youth group prayed with me believing it could help and when I went back the next day to hospital able to walk they re-checked new X-rays to show nothing wrong just a little brusing) so I know from my own sight it works and that in itself re-inforces my faith and belief in it.

I’ve seen when many are focused and placing their belief on something be it in a ritual, worship, prayer, or even faith in a sports team that things happen – people are motivated and a type of euphoria is felt by so many.

It just gets me thinking at what people are really able to do if they put their mind to it and believe in themselves, each other and trust oneanother.

I seem to fill my life with un-needed stuff, be it TV, Computer games, possessions or money – To be working all the time to the point where I don’t know what I should be doing when not working. How do I relax, stop – what do I do?

I worry about a lot of stuff all the time, I don’t know what to do so instead I hide behind the comforts and distractions of home but at the end of the day I know i’ve not acheived anything and still in the place where I don’t know where to go. I guess friends would help me – if they really knew or understood but first I need to know what to say and whom I can trust with it.

I don’t really know if I could do this: Give it all up – sell it off and pay off the debts – be it loans, overdrafts, credit cards or take a chunk of the mortgage or even give up the house and follow my heart and see where it takes me.

I feel as though there is no purpose, we are here but don’t seem to do much. I have friends but never seem to get to see them or spend any real time with them. MSN can only go so far. I want someone to love, and a family to grow with me and it sucks cos I’m so terrified to show who I am that nothing gets done. I got hurt a few years back and I don’t think I ever recovered.

So I am alone, here 🙂 in this world, waiting for things to happen. I join in on different things and just seem to injure myself instead. I never seem to do what is right and no-matter how things are I feel its just wrong.

The world around me, friends, family and even co-workers getting on in a world where I am but am not at the same time. I exist, but as a believer should not be involved in things that they do or think I don’t understand because of what I believe.. I feel an outcast even with friends for some of the ideas I have about the world and how the spirit world also works.

On one site I have over 150 apparent friends on there and most of them I can say are friends, or at least associates – some of my best friends are not on there yet – I say best, probably better put as closest I think… but even with 100+ friends I feel just here… a leaf floating down a river – many of us there but still all alone flowing through life.

We seem to play within the space We’ve been alocated and float with the groups that were involved with but can’t seem to grip onto what we want and don’t know how to change it but want to at the same time.