Belief

Am I only one half by being single?

Posted on by JC

This is what I thought while alone. I’ve felt alone for a long time although I have so many friends to support me i’ve not had another person to share with for a long time.

Over the past week I’ve been at spring harvest over the easter break time and picked up a few things that made sense.. One was about being only part of a person.

I need to be a full person before looking for “the other half” – we should both be full and able to exist easily without one-another: I’m not saying I want to be alone, just that I want us both to always be happy. Missing people is expected – I don’t want to be in the situation where I feel I can not go on by being alone or without someone.

A little story someone told was about a chair… Strange as it sounds it made sense.

You get a chair, and chop it in half. Half is you and half is a partner. Your love, passion etc are the sticky tape between you and add a bit of pressure and you’ll get through it – add a lot and you both break apart.

Then imagine a full chair – you are both full people – ready in life for anything – you come together and work closely together – one on the other making a very strong surface. I’m sure there will be things that get in the way and do put pressure on you but you are much stronger as you are full people.

So before I start looking for another, I am seeing how to be full again – its been a while but I see it now as a posability again.

Music to refresh the memory

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Have you ever just listened to music and all feelings inside seem to stir – memories of past, and how things could be come to light.

I was just browsing on Spotify music to chill out too – I typed Meditate and in the first few songs were ones I’ve always liked but never really knew what they were called.

I laid back and listened and just felt a kind of peace, a posativity and power that roared within that so much more is possable.

Its something I needed, and was looking for but didn’t realise – A reminder of a passion lost.

Its strange that from a chill out song, there was so much power projected through it all.

I go through a lot of ups and downs in life, weekly changing goals of what I’d like to acheive but always do fall back to whom I have grown to be in some way.

Hidden Light, Darkness Prevails.

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In my dream I saw a lot of friends from past times, getting on a stage with a group I recognised from church events. They started to dance, many were doing trance dance moves in motion with the music and beat that came on.

We were in a big hall, lots of people and myself – the hall was on a slant, getting steeper the further back you went. At first I kept falling forward until I got my grip.

After some time the slant was gone and we were all just watching, in a kind of silence where we could hear what was happening on stage but everything else was silent.

We watched and the dancing continued. It seemed amazing, then the stage lights went off… the music continued althou a lot quieter, and a voice came on asking the audience what was happening, could we still see the dance, could we still see the joy and happyness – we couldn’t.

We couldn’t see because we no longer saw the light, no-one was allowing us to see what was happening. We were blinded from what we could have and could get – If felt so wrong and that we were cheated, all because we couldn’t see with the darkness.

It got me thinking within the dream and now in the real world that we all have the choice for Joy and happyness if we have a light shining in our lives. But so often we cover it with reasons of why not to show it.

Its still a part of us, and makes us amazingly happy and when people do see it they often get happy too and want to see and have it for themselves but instead we either want it just for us or dont want to be embarrased – don’t want to be singled out, or riddiculed.

We are so ready to get hurt we never see what benefit it could be to others and how it could so amazingly shine through them.

So I say, “Let your light shine, and don’t cover it up” – You could multiply it so many many others can also be in joy and happyness too.

Christian Life… Is it easy?

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I have difficulties in my Christian life, I don’t stop believing – often questioning but never stopping – I truelly do believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins and all but I find that the defined church as an organisational building an awkward thing. I find the way that a lot of church services just depress me, or state the obvoius as the preacher tries to speak and teach. I understand but its just not interesting and I find my mind wanders more than it listens.

Where I am at the moment – its a nice church place – great music, enjoyable worship, lots of people, and I know many of them and they know me but only as a name and a face, there doesn’t seem to be anything more. Its quite welcoming and nice, but I often sit alone and no-one comes and says hi… I occasionally go over to the groups of my age range and its as though I’m not there so I go.

I find it strange that so many in “the church” as an organisation state that church is like a family… for me it is not, I love my family and like to spend lots of time with them all – parents, siblings, and pets. My extended family is my friends and I’m thankful for the many I have got.

When younger I only had a very few friends and in set groups, now I seem to have friends in all sorts of areas in all sorts of places in the world and thats not including people i’ve met online. The church has brought me a lot of those friends – we all never really fitted into the groups that were set out and althou we participated in them we always met together aswell. Some of my closest friends were made via church groups and now I count them as extended family.

I have great difficulties in sitting down, and doing the daily readings – I have the booklets that i’ve collected, and friends send me but loose them easily and not sure why. I’ve thought about trying to get an audiobook version – maybe that I can have in the car to listen to while I drive to work but not sure i’d keep that up either. On my own, I have little success at keeping things up, in large groups (church size) I have difficulties too.

I seem to grow the most in my Christian life through friends from past CU and uni, aswell as old church friends talking with them and small meetup groups – be it just for games, chilling out or talking / studying – I find this much more beneficial althou does not give an opertunity to meet new people. I think I learned the most through CU times many years back with the small groups that we used to have.

Past year… Just 10 North east – Amazing to see so many people coming together in pouring rain, and gorgeous sunshine in a giant tent in Preston Park… Followed by many IXth hour events, and Harvest – where I discoved a lot about myself but not at the time – it has only been afterwards looking back I see so much I can not explain and still am sorting through in my mind.

At work today I let something out I didn’t expect or mean to say – I’m not sure what was said but I know my reply “Just because people don’t belive in God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist” – I felt it quite strong to say, and got a few responses. Many of which confirmed suspicians I had but dared not ask while at work. I see there I could do a lot more in my Christian life than I do now… I try the witnessing by actions, but think there is more actions I could be doing to show my God through me.

I seem to section life a lot – I have the Work me, the personal me, the Christian me, the play time me, among lots of other me’s but need to work how to mix them to be just me. I’ve realised when i’ve mixed in the past people have still accepted me as who I am even if to start with they questioned why I was acting one way or another.

I have a good feeling for the new year thats coming, a lot will change – Not sure how, or why but think good things will come out of it. I’m glad I don’t know everything – I think the suprises in life help make it more interesting. Why open that secret santa pressie early – keep it for Christmas. I’m glad I did – I really enjoyed reading what I got.

Multiple Worlds Overview

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I just as you live in more worlds than just the one. We live different lives depending whom we are with – our actions are different, we are different people but when is it when we are truely honest to ourselves and others around.

I find my place is at a place I help out at called harvest – its a Christian youth camp – I feel totally free there to share who I really try to be in all the things I do. I don’t at all hide my beliefs, I just fit in and can see the world in a totally different view to normal life.

Some of the other worlds…

Please click each point for more information on each world I have.

Life Worlds Overview

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Belief seems to shape our world, whatever we believe is right and true is what shapes us and our actions – I hope people start to see who I really am and not the mask that was up.

At the moment life is sectioned into lots of different areas with no real web to hold them all together. I need to change this to make my life livable and purposeful. Many sections conflict and stop me from fulfilling any real possable potential.

By having so many sections it has shown me I have many abilities, and that if I was to use them together I could do so much more than just on their own.

Faith Fueled World

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My Faith is important to me as its what defines who I am and what I do.

I get involved in different Christian events happening in and around the area including IXth Hour, Harvest, Just 10 and NE1. I attend church but not every week.

I find the world of Christianity a hard place to be while at the same time can be the happiest place I exist.

The thought that Christ dies for my sins so that I may meet with God on an anytime basis is a great thought and truth. I want to be able to go out and talk and be free to talk to anyone I want about it without the thought of rejection… I mean I feel I’m only trying to help people find the amazing truth I know.

If you have a game, a toy, a programme, a friend, an event that made you truely happy you don’t keep it to yourself, You want your friends to enjoy it too – whats the difference here? The only difference is that this truth can give them eternal life, and a joy exceeding any life long other thing that is on offer.

When I talk about it, a joy fills me – that I want to tell more and more people. I don’t know where to start or how. I don’t like rejection but does anyone? How can we help others without taking the risk? Doesn’t risk bring excitement and help you really realise life.

This is what I believe in and how I’ve got there over the past 19 years or so. Read it, comment on it, and Think about it.

Money and Work world

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I must work, and earn lotsa money – to pay off all that I have and have had and want or may need in the future.

I work a general 5 day work week doing 2 jobs that both are OK, each for 20 hours a week totalling a 40 hour work week. I quite like both of my jobs but at the same time hope for more… Not just in money, but in acheivement and making a real difference to life and the people around me.

I look at all what I have and know that I’ve been blessed – I have a home, car, and all I need to survive. I have friends that support me, and work to help pay for it all.

I’ve never really ever opened up at work, they know that I am a Christian but I don’t think I yet show what that really is to them. I’ve always hidden whom I am to protect myself and not to be asked too many questions. Althou in reality, I want questions to be asked… I won’t know all the answers and will be challenged but thats part of the point of life.

No challenges, and easy does it gets boring over time if not quickly. Although a very comfortable existance, its not really living.

In this I am not saying I shouldn’t work, I think all people should work if they are able to do so – be that in helping others and earning money or volunteer work. Some people are in training, learning what they need and thats good too.

Health, fitness, figure, weight, appearance World….

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I must look a certain way, I must be fit, I must not be over weight, I need to get fitter, thinner, more flexible, healthier – I must.. I must…

This expectation of the world we live in that if you don’t fit an image, then you don’t fit anything. I know that I struggle with the thoughts that I could get fat and overweight althou according to guides I have a BMI of 22.1 which is almost perfect [22 is ideal] but still it feels wrong.

I try to get fit, I am currently doing trampoling each week – A very fun and energetic workout. I am careful on what I eat that I don’t generally have high fat based foods and generally make meals from fresh ingredients [they taste so much better].

I’ve tried ball room & Jive dancing – both quite energetic which suprised me and a lot of fun. I tried the gym, but didn’t have motivation… I occasionally go swimming but not as often as I’d like. I go on random walks from my house to wherever I end up.

I feel I must try and keep a certain outside view of myself althou in the reality of inner life it doesn’t matter too much. But we all want to be liked and appearance can often help greatly to sway opinion.

Belief Changed World

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I have groups of friends that believe many things I know exist but are not true at the same time, they touch on things that no man or woman was ever meant to use and are in a dangerous place and don’t see it.

I once went into their groups, to try and understand where they were coming from and a whole world was opened up to me which excited and terrified me – especially when I realised what it was. I am no longer in that place and thankful for that.

I talk to people about what I believe is right, and they speak to me… I don’t know if i’m getting anywhere with them but hope they see something in it all.