Thoughts

Since my Last post…

Posted on by JC

Since my last post many things have changed, and generally for the better.

Headaches none existant – which is glorious. Stopped migrane Meds (I was sick whenever I took them) and detoxed myself… now no more headaches, tummy issues, digestion issues and my weight is lowering too but still need to do a lot more exercise to get the fitness back.

My central heating boiler is apparently not at its best, but still heats the house well, currently shopping for costs of a new one… not that i’ve the money for it.

I’m feeling a lot happier in life, I think a lot of that is to do with not having headaches and not needing to concentrate to block stuff out. I’ve had a lot of good times recently, friends married, time out, lots of swimming…

Been going swimming before work about twice a week for a few weeks, started with about 5 to 10 minutes now upto nearer 30 minutes and its just swimming, gives me time to think, examine the day, pray, and just time out from everything while getting a little fitter and well, really waking up before work. One day I got lost in time and just got to work in time – still I seem to get a lot more done after a swimming start.

Still got a long way to go, but at least there is progress in a positive direction.

Random – Whats on my mind right now

Posted on by JC

There are many things on my mind at the moment, some troubling, some I’d just like but many things all the same.. I list my thoughts in no particular order but more to get it down that I can refer too later.

Debts of money owed to banks, and loan people.

House mortgage

Garage roof that needs fixing

Front patio/garden hedge area that needs clearing and tidying

Central heating thats on its way out, and expensive to run – Apparently I may be able to apply for a grant to get a new one.

Work – Not really happy there, just working becasuse I have too and can do the job well.

I’d like another job, one where I can help others and be effective aswell as doing something for God. I feel that Ive stopped, and can’t see a way forward, I know there is oppertunities and I don’t seem to get stuck in doing things, they just pass by or responsabilites that hinder my available choices.

I really want to find someone I love, and who loves me and we start a family… and have lots of practice first before the family grows from us two. I’ve seen the joy of many friends with children and am quite jellous at times that i’ve not got that far yet.

I want to be fitter & healthier…

  • No more headaches, tummy issues, digestion issues, reduced weight back to how I was before but with the added fitness to be able to do more.
  • I miss being able to do little things in trampolining, as people rush ahead of me.
  • My balance isn’t what it should be, and sometimes that worries me.

I feel harvest, althou has helped me in the past is dwindling away due to low numbers and increasing costs. I’d like to help but feel many ideas are ignored.

Learning:
Adobe suite seems to have gone from my learning. It started good and then interest lost and nothing followed. I need to complete it and work on the next levels.
PHP 5/6 & mySQL – Slowly getting there… Not quite got the idea of Classes and OOP but will get there.
Business wise – lots left to learn. Need to update all the books, and records to show whats been happening.

Been learning about networking and need to make a map up of all connection I presently have…. Maybe an idea would be to make a small app online that allowed users to create a kind of connections map… and if people included their ID or shared it – it would link up to new connections and could show a mass network.

I miss many friends, and conections feel lost. I don’t want to loose them but we grow apart. Some friends I spent a lot of time with, but they went to university and I didn’t want to get in their way, I wanted them to grow with the people they were around and well… we just grew apart which was a disapointment. Whereas other frined, I don’t see for months or years and its like we were just chatting yesterday.

I look at my network of friends and say wow, I know so many and seem to have some very excellent and close friends which is so different to school times where I only had maybe 10 friends or 2 or 3 close ones. Amazingly 2 of those I am still great friends with and we often spend time together several times a week.

I am going to try and make up a networking map of all the connections I have, all the friends, what they do in life and any connections they wish to share. Build it up on a computer and see how many and who I know where… the thought of it feels awesomely huge and think it will take a while to do… Facebook will help too – just to remember the names and where I’ve met them from.

Just a few of the places I know people from include:

  • Harvest
  • Spring Harvest
  • Church
  • Trampolining
  • Dance
  • Holidays
  • Work
  • Business
  • University
  • Family
  • Friends
  • Online

Harvest – The End…

Posted on by JC

The harvest committee has requested suggestions of which I have many. Not sure if they’ll take note of them but think that many could help with an added income to help keep the costs down for the youth that attend.

The stewarding teams are a new generation, seperate from what I would call team – the new members that had not been on a team before were very helpful most of the time, it seemed many of those that had done it before seemed to like the perceived power, and tried to use it as much as possable…

Stewarding in general at harvest is about helping keep people safe, ensuring people have a pass to actually get in, making sure exits are safe and clear incase of an incident, help clear a venue if required and helping ensure the place is clean & tidy. The general rules and regulations – there is more to it but its not a “I have the power to kick you off site attitude” as in reality – they do not.

I’ve had my moan about it, watching from the side of the non steward. I can see a lot of changes. Many kids were showing me bands (passes) and i wasn’t wearing a high vis jacket which was funny… and nice to know I’m recognised in some way.

I’ve made some new friends that are completly seperate from stewarding teams and some really awesome talks. Most of today consisted of meetings and talking it was quite awesome really. I’ve spoken for years that I’d like to get involved helping people and chatting but unable to stop as had to get on with a task. Now I’ve had time to do so and really learn more about my attitudes, thoughts and actions and what else I can do. My mind feels opened up.

This is my last full harvest that I’d be on a team and feel its now as an event should be run by the new generations. Maybe things will work out, maybe fall on its face but they need the chance to get further and learn from their mistakes as we did on different occasions over the years.

I will support it still, it helped me for many years. I started in 1994, then 1996 to 1998 as an attendee then moved to stewarding until last year (2009) and ministry team this year. I would like to try raise money for it as it is a recognised charity and as I’ve said above helped myself plus friends over a rough time of growing up.

I look at my Christian life time. Came Christian in 1989 (Journey in Belief), attended church (sunday school, youth church) regularly, went to church weekends away, started harvest 1994, went to uni was part of CU, and CU Committee, got baptised around 2001, got involved with events around country 2000 til now from Message 2000 to Harvest & IXth Hour, and Just 10. So out of the 21+ years of being a Christian, only 5 or 6 of them was without harvest in them so its still quite an impact in my life.

Harvest – Ready to give it all up

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I woke up today ready to give up for everything at harvest, I felt totally useless and not wanted, maybe from some people ignoring me or other things I’m not sure but I felt like what is the point of me being here

The day progressed, and a friend I’ve not seen since 2003 has joined the stewarding team, he reminded me a little of my past love for harvest with what now seems embarrasing yet fun times but all of which made me smile. Many people have said he seems strange, and sometimes he is but honest and will help as much as possable, something I’ve not seen in a while.

For the past few days I’ve wanted to help out and guide people in stewarding, something I’ve done for many years but could see the errors people were doing. I was back seat stewarding and not giving my all to the team I am now part of.

This year, I’m on the ministry team – there to try and help people and walk through things said and how people understand things and pray if wanted. For the majority of this harvest I’ve felt I’m not “good enough” and not “ready” to help and I’ve struggled with it. I went to the meetings, and stopped helping in general with the stewarding teams leaving them to it and only helping bits like moving chairs as can help.

This morning I was ready to pack up and leave, but felt that I should still go to the main meeting on the night and help out if I could… but generally give it all in and just go home. I felt a struggle between leaving and staying, a tug of war with my thoughts. I went and chatted with friends over some food and let my thoughts known. They listened, but didn’t advise – I didn’t need advice and I think they sensed that.

I let go of the stewarding idea, and concentrated on the ministry team. I found it hard to start with. I sat with a friend in a “sex” talk with the young people. They needed some from the ministry team to be there that was male, so I stuck around. Glad I did – some of the things said really hit home…

Thinking and remembering that God is with you in Everything and every where, can really change what you choose to do with your time. As I recall, praying in a morning also seemed to make me happier and content or joyful for the day so its something I’m planning to continue.

This evening I was in the main meeting listening to what was going on, I was aware as we were told in the ministry team meeting what was planned so I was ready, ready to go down to the front and hand out cards and pray with others…

Things didn’t quite go to plan. During the service I felt a drawing to God I’ve not felt in a long time. Things I’d forgotten could happen and felt joyful and upset at the same time but the words and feeling of “God is with you” came across a lot, although those words were not what was being said. It was another language said, but my mind told me it was “God is with you, and made you: you”

I had an overwhelming drawing to the front, I knew what was due to happen but still wasn’t really ready for it. People stood (as I knew was coming), I was standing ready to go forward and help – I felt drawn to go forward – “but I’m on team, its not for me” I thought, I felt I needed to ask permission to go forward and after what felt like a long time I just went, it was only seconds in reality.

I went to the front, and people prayed with me. I felt a clearing in my mind, that things started to make sense. For a while things have not made sense and I’ve been trying to do things to please others but not quite do what I want. I’ve wanted and struggled with the idea of “Trusting God in Everything” and probably always will, but tonight it makes sense and I can see it happening which feels quite awesome really.

Afterwards, I’ve been feeling quite awesome – very different to how I woke up… I’m looking forward to the morning and continuing whats next. In other news today, we had flood waters come down mid afternoon. Light spitting rain and then drowning waters pouring down.

I’d helped with tents, and went for a cuppa with friends of past and while inside there was a pour down and we thought that was bad… it was quite and calm for a few minutes and just when we thought it was all over the next drowning came.

We tried to seal the tent fast as it was like a river being forced through the door and into the tent. head of site team got soaked just stepping outside then inside again – it was funny but scary too by the shear amount of water. I automatically went to help and close the doors, as been done in the past – we got everything closed and it was over within a few minutes…
A mixture of high winds and heavy rain was quite a shock but reminded me of past harvest events which brought with it a suprised yet great smile and joy.

Nights ended, and looked into the sky to notice the sky is not flat as I’ve always seen it but distant in many ways… its strange and wonderful the change that contact lenses can have. I’m glad I’ve got them even thou it took me 20 minutes to get them to stay in – I’ve just left them in and will probably take them out sunday night if needed. On another note, the moon looks amazing in the sky tonight – almost full it looks. I’ve always loved a full moon look 🙂

Harvest – As it continues

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I know of how things used to be, and how things were done and being run. I find it hard to step back and let people be when I know what has & has not worked in the past. My experience is ignored on the most part and it hurts.

It hurts to be passed over year after year, why do I keep going? I guess I’ve thought of harvest as a safe place

I must let it go… All resentments, and questioning, and allow other to learn – even if it’ll be a harder. I hear prayer for others around me (I’m in prayer tent) but it feels like they’re talking to me and my life.

I’ve always struggled with giving everything over to God. Especially When its came to money, I’ve felt I got myself into debt – I should get myself out of it. I’ve said before that I’ve piles and boxes of junk to sell… maybe that’ll help me out of the debts I have.

I also know that giving something over to God doesn’t mean you forget about it… there is still consiquences whatever but you often get more of a peace when given over. I’ve heard people say that they gave it over to God, now they don’t need to bother with it… but we live in a world that has rules and laws and must not forget we may not be of the world but we are still in the world and have to work within it.

Harvest – Launch Day

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I have been asked by a few people where is my yellow jacket as not on stewarding team this year. It is very different, I know of the many jobs involved that are happening but can not do anything about them. I offer advice, which is sometimes accepted, usually ignored.

Main start was at 3pm, a nice warm up, nice to see so many, but is odd not being directily involved, glad I’m not on team at the same time of missing them.

The polotics of stewarding, organising and all… its a lot more complicated that it used to be. There is no real need for the extra things but thats not the point it seems. I saw stewarding as Health and Safety & checking the people who’ve paid or not paid with a mixture of crowd control aswell. Maybe its changed, maybe I just see it with different eyes.

Ministry: I’m at harvest as part of the ministry team this year. I find it difficult to pray with people – the words don’t often come before I say them and I prefer to be organised. I wanted prayer myself, but didn’t know the words. My team member asked to pray for me, and somehow knew for what I was needing without me giving any words.

I became aware that everyone young and old and even those in between, were all the same. It didn’t matter anything – we are of limited time in this universe.

My usual team leader is a leader again this year. She seems good at organising, when she is told whats happening or who is off site. Would help if others would do as asked, some do… others seem to forget what they were asked or thats the way it looks.

Harvest – The beginning

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It felt very strange tonight to start with, first with the setup – I just got on with it, no rush to meetings. One of us was requested to go to meet team, I stayed back, pegged up & Blew up air beds.

I went to loaves and fishes, where to sit? All stewards in a meeting – I felt very out of place. Sat with YFC team, I’ve worked with them on a few things, felt very strange. Team meeting ended and I went over and mixed.

Nice night over all, some new friends – several old but can already feel that this will be a last as this part of life is over. I do feel as thou I am re-living a dream and enjoying the nostalgia. A safe place, but its now time to act – step out of the easy safe surroundings and go out and find life.

Not sure I’ll get online, so far no signal 🙁 Maybe thats a good thing.

SHH (LPO) – And now…. Relaxed

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It is the final full day of the holiday and I actually feel quite relaxed and that I am on holiday finally. I am feeling more like me again, and I’m not sure why… Yesterday I felt awful and unwell, I didn’t get anything done that I had planned to do and now find that yesterday was the last day I could have done so.

Examples are the supermarkets are closed on sundays as are all the shops, I didn’t even realise today was sunday until people told me when I went for the bus. So the things I had planned to get to take back are no longer an option and I hope I can get something on the travels back over the next few days.

I’ve had a good day so far, and its only just after lunch. A niggle of a headache but thats not going to stop me enjoying the day. I’ve sat out with friends around a table with drinks, and biscuits and listened as they play a guitar and sing really nicely… some songs I knew, others not so but still really enjoyed being there out in the glorious sun and enjoying the company.

A lot of this break I’ve been alone, be it wandering in town or around the site, or back at the mobile home writing, reading or listening to things. I was very self concious a lot of the time. I felt the ill feelings coming across me early in the week and didn’t want to pull anyone into it aswell as seeing friends now couples and not wanting to get in the way. After chatting, I’ve discovered I wouldn’t have been in the way but thats how I felt and disliked it so did something else.

My plan now is have some more lunch, and go down to the pool for the afternoon. There is a baptism in the pool this afternoon so will not be in it all afternoon, but a good day out in the pool is the plan and I’m really looking forward to it.

In the pool was a good afternoon time spent. Was in there from about 3pm til 6.45pm – well either there or lazing in the sun of which was nice and warm and welcoming. Drenching each other in the pool. It was fun… at one point around 4ish one person got baptised – I wasn’t expecting it but apparently it was planned. I hadn’t looked at any of todays plans so was none the wiser – just lots of people suddenly arriving at the pool side.

Its been a good day. I’ve felt better today than I have all week and althou its heading back time on Monday (tommorrow) I now feel I’ve had a holiday something I didn’t think I was going to feel yesterday.

So until I update on the travels back, I leave this laptop and internet and enjoy the break. I’ll get to emails and messages probably wednesday where I know I’ve a lot to get through – I’ve enjoyed my break, and will come back sometime but this year has been very different and its been good to see so many friends again but for now, auré-vour and speak soon.

SHH (LPO) – Well… Kinda

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I’ve not been well over the past few days, but managed most of Friday OK until around 11pm. I was glad – I got to try the pool olympics games which I enjoyed however our team came last in.

A mixture of games, mainly races of some sort in the pool that seemed against us whatever. An example is the pool being wider for our team yet same distance for the other two teams. Overall – A fun time all the same.

I managed to visit the town centre too on Friday – it seemed very small to what I remembered. I was done wandering in about 20 minutes after shopping and seeing everything I wanted. Maybe it just seems small after visiting London. I’d like to visit the beach if I’m feeling better and the weather is good still the rest of the weekend.

I was asked if I was going to the morning “meeting” as its a good way to start the day… Not sure about that but was awake for a change. Actually saw the change from darkness to light this morning – shame it wasn’t by choice. Feeling exhausted I’ll probably sleep and hopefully be okay later.

SHH (LPO) – Adventure Playground

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I didn’t know what to expect for wednesday, I signed up for the adventure afternoon which actually involved a variety of safety equipment and a lot of ropes/wires up in the air. There was several different levels you could try, starting with a starter session to get used to it, to much higher and longer routes.

We started small, and worked up – we missed out on one level as the queue of people in front of us and we didn’t want to wait. I think the levels were: yellow, green, white, orange, red, gray, black, then black extreme. I was quite comfortable with the levels up to orange and enjoyed orange.

Red was quite terrifying for me, while up there I was wishing I hadn’t started that route. There was a mixture of ropes bridges, zip wires up and down hill, and quite long between. I felt I had a panic attack of sorts, frozen hugging a tree up high but I got through it – people were quite supportive – maybe to help.. maybe so they could try next, either way I was glad for the company.

I’m a little covered in bruises, and scratches and quite tired but overall I was quite pleased I got through it but don’t think I’d be in any hurry to try the red or above levels. Although fun, it was quite terrifying too – I’ve got through and initial scare and thank fully its over for now. I want to try the games again thou so maybe next time.