Thoughts

Fox in the Snow

Posted on by JC

As I settle down for the night, time coming up past 1am I get things ready for work tommorrow – the many layers, dinner, and putting keys out ready for a fast exit in the morning I ponder…

I look outside and see the snow… Lots and lots of snow… I looked out earlier and the paths were kinda white but you could still see the grass – Now there is no grass either just piles and piles of white snow.

Fox in Snow

There is a fox out there too… Running round on the grass, stopping and eating something but I don’t know what. I tried to get a picture – Not sure how its came out. There is snow falling, with wet windows and a camera that you cant use flash on cos of snow and blinding white I wonder if it will come out or that you can see whats there.

It looked good, I stopped and watched and listen to the weather as it patters on the window.. The knowledge that I’m warm inside and its so cold outside is kinda comforting and relaxing at the same time… Just hope the heating works in the morning.

So good night for now, and as thoughts come they will appear online 🙂

Thanks for Reading…

A dream so real for the day ahead.

Posted on by JC

Today I thought I went to church… I remembered waking up, turning the alarm off, having breakfast and heading to church… As I got there I opened the door of the building seeing people there ready to welcome in as usual and then there was a clock by my bed side saying it was 12:30 – kinda annoying.

I had missed the day, church was on around 10.15 to 12:30 ish – I had seen from their website that there was someone I liked to listen and learn from but that didn’t happen. Many people in church seem to talk in a way that depresses or bores you with almost the same tone for so long in talking. I get distracted very easily and my mind wanders and stop listening.

I enjoy the speakers at events such as IXth hour as they keep the audience inticed, and interested. I seem to learn better too as my mind is stimulated rather than lulled to a sleep.

I often think that I should go to church, before it was something you had to do, not by choice.

A long time ago, I learned that its the people not the place – the church but still its nice to have somewhere to go that you know there is people meeting with the same goals, and beliefs if only for a few hours each week.

Maybe i’m not where I’m meant to be yet… I’ll get there eventually I think. I want somewhere lively, active, and looking forward instead of just the polotics of how to do things.

Looking back, Forward is now.

Posted on by JC

Its been a while since I’ve updated this, and its only every so often that I get around to doing so. Not particularaly when I have time, usually when I don’t have time I think the most to write.

Ever since I got some encouraging comments that people enjoyed what I wrote, and that they were reading it to see how I was doing and what I am up too, I stopped writing. I couldn’t think what to write, how to write the thoughts and explain myself.

Upon looking back it was kinda stupid as I wouldn’t have got those comments if people were not reading…

So here I am again, thinking outloud… A start that I hope to keep going. Maybe february will be more interesting… We’ll See.

Everything stopped

Posted on by JC

I’ve managed to allow everything to stop for a few days to try and relax and see what else can be done.

Its strange to not have anything planned – No dancing, no work, no trampolining, no events, no work, nobody to meet and no play – just stop and think.

While stopped I start looking, I see that life is full of stuff I probably don’t need but put there to fill in the time. I know there is always something I should be doing in some way or another but to stop and look at all that I am or could be reminds me of different things.

I see that I am not whom I thought I could be and see different ways that I can improve myself if I give it the time – be that in personality, fitness, finance, or happyness.

But to stop and look, I wonder what to do – Even stopped its as though there is so much to do, nothing planned yet so much to do… House work, garden work, fixing, tidying, organising, meeting people, talking, websites, work, research, fitness, health, and the list continues.

I have been very fortunate in life, I’ve always had people support me and still do but still I find it difficult and often make mistakes. I think its a good idea to stop every so often, and let the mind catch up so things start to make a little more sense again.

I am free without direction

Posted on by JC

While in my dream…
I hear people speak I do not want to hear. They are calling for my attention yet I ignore – I let it pass and they think I’ve not heard.

The air is smooth, and without direction yet I want to go out and freely roam the land. I think I can fly, and float above the earth. The air is like music, and I am floating across the rhythem.

Many make fun, and insult yet some watch and wonder. I am free to the world but don’t know where I should be. I can see so many ways to go, but afraid of what may happen.

I see someone take charge, and ask questions – I think to Encourage one another and suggest it as its writen down. I sit on a hill, there are many others confused also sitting down looking for guidance.

We are watching and listening, all together waiting to see what we should do next. I dont know whats going to happen, I do not understand.

Is this a life I am living, can I not see something I should be doing?

I want to return to the dream – When it makes sense and I feel more like me than anywhere else. Whats next I wonder – I am so confused.

End of Year

Posted on by JC

It is coming up in less than 12 hours now, a new year, the end of 2008 and the start of 2009. Is it a fresh start, an oppertunity to do all those things I just never got round too this year, to make “new year resolutions” that are rarely kept, or to continue life the same as normal?

I’m trying to think what I have I managed to do over the past year and the main things that come to mind is working in different Christian groups like Just 10, and Harvest aswell as the Salsa dancing that I’ve come to love.

I’ve learned a lot this past year but not sure how to write it all up as yet. I took a different approach to things in life than my usual do as expected and follow what others do and try to fit in. I decided I wanted to try and find new things where I could meet lots of new people, make friends, find things I could enjoy and be generally happier.

Overall, I think i’ve managed the aim with better results than I thought would happen.

Changes really started around April / May time where I got involved with friends in a stewarding team at Just 10 North East and saw so many people coming together from my local area to listen about God in a different way, and worship and enjoy. Seeing so many (over 5000) from the local area was good in one place, and was glad to be a part of it all. I’ve seen large groups of youth upto around 2,000 in total in previous years of events i’ve helped with and the atmostphere was great.

Harvest was a good time, I learned a lot about myself in a new place and made a whole new set of friends that meet up reguarly and enjoy each others company. Harvest moved to a new location – almost rained all of the time, in a larger field with a nice big barn instead of a windy tent – I made great friendships and re-discoved my love for dance that I lost many years ago.

I started doing different dance things… I wanted to do dance for a long time. I’ve not been bothered too much in night clubs but enjoyed it while out with friends but never been sure what to do except sway in random movements to the rhythem of the music and enjoy. I wanted to know how to dance for more traditional means so tried some classes.

First set of classes – I tried Ballroom dancing… Which to not much suprise is very difficult when your on your own. I was lucky and got the dance teacher to help teach and correct me when wrong… I don’t remember much more than the dance position but then again not been in a situation when needing it so maybe it’ll come back to me if needed… I enjoyed it and was suprised at how energetic little moves were.

Next I tried salsa dance, also gone on my own which was fine this time. I love it, I really enjoy it more than I thought I could. Its like a new passion of mine and try to go to events where I can learn more and dance. Its a strange thing salsa… The guy has to lead the girl in almost every move directing where and how she is to move. This took a lot of adjusting too but is interesting and fun.

I’ve been doing salsa now for about 3 months in total (12 weeks) and feel like i’ve done it much longer. I’m only a beginners level and can see there is a lot more to learn. It has helped my confidence with talking to people, dancing, and generally interacting with others. It is helping my fitness and always something new is learned whenever I try.

It scares me to ask the girls to dance, I don’t know most of their levels (Beginners, improvers etc) but they just go with it and its really enjoyable. Most of the time they will say “yes” to a dance, and i’ve only had 2 say “no” over the 3 months i’ve done it. Its quite pleasing to get a “yes” and relaxing too. I can not imagine looking forward one year this time last and seeing me even trying this… Its one of those many things that I put on the list that “i’d love to try but…” type and always have an excuse.

I wanted friends to go with me to the dancing, but everyone decided they were busy or would drop out and that put me off for a while then I decided i’d just go for it and if it all went wrong then no one would know who I was so it wouldn’t matter… In actual fact – I’ve loved it and made a lot of new friends through it all and very thank ful I just went for it.

Other things I’ve tried: Trampolining Assistant Coaching – Something I thought i’d not get through… started around May time – completed and passed in december with a week or two of little sleep.

I wanted to better understand why I was told to do thing a certain way and to be able to help out the club if need be. I learned how to be more assertive, and how to handle situation in teaching and demonstrating how to do things on the trampoline. I better understand what people have told me over the last few years and why and can better word for others to do what is needed.

I’m really glad I went for it and passed. I wasn’t sure how to feel at the time of the exam… we got there early and told we could start right away… it wasn’t until about half way through I stopped reading my “exam checklist/session plan” and just got on with it relaxed and helped people… It was a lot easier then and then got off, finished up and thankfully passed.

Bad News of the year: Family cat died at the great age of around 19 and a half – A loved moggy that is missed and remembered.

Overall, the past year has been quite amazing and although there doesn’t seem much mentioned above I feel i’ve achieved a lot, pushed many bounderies for myself and set a few new targets to reach for. I’m thankful for the great support from friends new and old, and quite happy seeing this year end and the new year come in.

After seeing all that can happen when the attitude changes a little from “what if”, to “lets try and see” – I look forward to what could happen this next year… Maybe at some point i’ll get round to writing up the dreams for life i’ve had… Who knows… Lets see.

Christian Life… Is it easy?

Posted on by JC

I have difficulties in my Christian life, I don’t stop believing – often questioning but never stopping – I truelly do believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins and all but I find that the defined church as an organisational building an awkward thing. I find the way that a lot of church services just depress me, or state the obvoius as the preacher tries to speak and teach. I understand but its just not interesting and I find my mind wanders more than it listens.

Where I am at the moment – its a nice church place – great music, enjoyable worship, lots of people, and I know many of them and they know me but only as a name and a face, there doesn’t seem to be anything more. Its quite welcoming and nice, but I often sit alone and no-one comes and says hi… I occasionally go over to the groups of my age range and its as though I’m not there so I go.

I find it strange that so many in “the church” as an organisation state that church is like a family… for me it is not, I love my family and like to spend lots of time with them all – parents, siblings, and pets. My extended family is my friends and I’m thankful for the many I have got.

When younger I only had a very few friends and in set groups, now I seem to have friends in all sorts of areas in all sorts of places in the world and thats not including people i’ve met online. The church has brought me a lot of those friends – we all never really fitted into the groups that were set out and althou we participated in them we always met together aswell. Some of my closest friends were made via church groups and now I count them as extended family.

I have great difficulties in sitting down, and doing the daily readings – I have the booklets that i’ve collected, and friends send me but loose them easily and not sure why. I’ve thought about trying to get an audiobook version – maybe that I can have in the car to listen to while I drive to work but not sure i’d keep that up either. On my own, I have little success at keeping things up, in large groups (church size) I have difficulties too.

I seem to grow the most in my Christian life through friends from past CU and uni, aswell as old church friends talking with them and small meetup groups – be it just for games, chilling out or talking / studying – I find this much more beneficial althou does not give an opertunity to meet new people. I think I learned the most through CU times many years back with the small groups that we used to have.

Past year… Just 10 North east – Amazing to see so many people coming together in pouring rain, and gorgeous sunshine in a giant tent in Preston Park… Followed by many IXth hour events, and Harvest – where I discoved a lot about myself but not at the time – it has only been afterwards looking back I see so much I can not explain and still am sorting through in my mind.

At work today I let something out I didn’t expect or mean to say – I’m not sure what was said but I know my reply “Just because people don’t belive in God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist” – I felt it quite strong to say, and got a few responses. Many of which confirmed suspicians I had but dared not ask while at work. I see there I could do a lot more in my Christian life than I do now… I try the witnessing by actions, but think there is more actions I could be doing to show my God through me.

I seem to section life a lot – I have the Work me, the personal me, the Christian me, the play time me, among lots of other me’s but need to work how to mix them to be just me. I’ve realised when i’ve mixed in the past people have still accepted me as who I am even if to start with they questioned why I was acting one way or another.

I have a good feeling for the new year thats coming, a lot will change – Not sure how, or why but think good things will come out of it. I’m glad I don’t know everything – I think the suprises in life help make it more interesting. Why open that secret santa pressie early – keep it for Christmas. I’m glad I did – I really enjoyed reading what I got.

Good Christmas

Posted on by JC

I’ve had a great Christmas break – 4 days long weekend from work. Started by picking friend up from the town centre, finished by dropping them off at the train station.

This year was different to every other year… this year I was cooking dinner, and friends came over to stay for a few days. A good, generally relaxing and very enjoyable time chilling out, playing games, talking, cooking and eating. We all managed to see family and althou dinner was late on (next time much earlier in the day) it was enjoyable and afterwards we chilled watching movies.

I got a lot of stuff, much of what I was not expecting and is really good and will be useful to me. Many cook books on topics i like aswell as clothing, dvds and other stuff. All in all, i’ve been very fortunate and had great friends to enjoy the Christmas festivities with.

Not saying much more than I hope your all having an amazing Christmas time, and wish you all a Happy New Year for 2009.

Its not really yesterday anymore…?

Posted on by JC

On a totally different note to what I often talk about althou often random and probably nothing anyone wants to read about.

Anyhow… I’ve had a mental block for a project I’ve been working on for myself. I wanted a shopping cart system kind of thing for my website with paypal accepted payments. I’d tried using several open source ones and well.. they say they give you the ability to customise but I could never figure out how to make things work the way I wanted so in the end decided best idea would be to try and make my own.

I’ve read through multiple websites online on how to do them, many of which seem to use each other and a templating engine named smarty – no good for me, but useful for other things.. I could see in my mind how I wanted it to work, but been unable to work out how to draw it or write it down.

That was until today… or yesterday… After looking at the close and seeing it pass 04:19am – its not really yesterday anymore. Anyhow started drawing it down and writing it up – I always forget how long it takes for doing forms in PHP right to blockout stuff like mysql Injection and XSS stuff… a pain but unless I want to loose a site i’ve just taken time to make its worth doing.

So now its started, and will hopefully be at least initially finished by friday. I can see that it could be good… when it works as expected. I’ve tried to set it up so you can have as many categories as you want and as many products as you like in each one but we’ll see what happens.

Laterz….

30 Soon

Posted on by JC

If I look back in life to when I was little I saw my life in my late 20’s to the age of 30 quite differently. I thought that I would be married, probably with children in my own house working full time supporting family. I thought I could be running my own business with friends and all of us working well together earning enough to enjoy life. I would have travelled all over the world with friends and would never loose those friends from school but just get more and have lots of fun. I would work in IT of some sort but never knew what and would be happy.

A lot is different, for one major thing – there is no wife, and family. I do have the mortgage, and a job (although 2 part time jobs making one full time) and not in my own business althou its still a possability. I still have a few good friends from school time that I see most weeks and many new friends.

I’ve managed to do a lot more in life that I thought I could: Going to uni (never thought i’d get into college nevermind uni) and working, now trampolining and helping as assistant coach, i’ve ran for polotics, helped out in many campaigns, been involved in numerous events in the area and seen so much changes in life and made some awsome friends along the way. There is so much, I can’t explain it all.

Overall I’m quite happy in life, I have many great friends that support me and I can support. I have quite a diverse set of things I do from my work life in IT, and Web Development to the different leisure activities including Salsa Dance, Trampolining, Swimming, Cinema, and random Gardening in my little front garden.

I turn 30, on Friday the 13th February 2009 – No idea whats happening but I hope to go out with friends and have a good time. But I guess we’ll see what happens – all in all, I’m thankful for where I am – and believe its a lot to do with the amazing friends that I have so thanks 🙂